Joke I found funny...

[Hell Razor5543]

A car was pulled over for driving well over the speed limit. Before the police could say a word the driver got out and told them "I am sorry that I was speeding, but my mother-in-law is in the car. She stayed the last six months with us until this morning, when she said she wanted to go home. I am trying to get there before she changes her mind.". The police tell the man "Get back in your car. You will now have a police escort, as we are taking no chances.".

[momag46]

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 24th) morning from Birmingham Airport and will fly to Isle of Wight and on to Cowes where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.

Then we’ll do a cruise around the island
and returning to Cowes for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go!

[bobins]

My local Pizza Hut is closing........ I'm thinking of topping myself

[Hell Razor5543]

A friend of mine told me he had had a weird weekend. When he got home from work on Friday has little daughter ran to see him, saying "Daddy, Daddy, it is my birthday next week. Guess how old I will be?". He responded "How old?", to which she held up four fingers.

Spoiler: show

Despite constantly asking her throughout the whole weekend she still hasn't told him where she got them!

[CitroJim]

A friend of mine told me he had had a weird weekend. When he got home from work on Friday has little daughter ran to see him, saying "Daddy, Daddy, it is my birthday next week. Guess how old I will be?". He responded "How old?", to which she held up four fingers.

That's a cracker James

[Hell Razor5543]

Do you know why vampires and evil spirits are not normally found south of the Mediterranean Sea? As is widely known, vampires (and other evil entities) are violently allergic to Holy Water.

Spoiler: show

Well, in their song Toto blessed the rains down in Africa!

[Blackie27]

Dean, that's one of the best jokes I've heard for ages and ages

This one is not a joke but a true story along those lines of a "Girls night out".

The wife worked in the local Spar and all the girls including her went on a "Girl Night Out" around
our local town.
When the were all well "Oiled" pardon the pun. One of the women said I have loads of booze in
why don't you all come back to mine.
My wife and three of the others said yes and went up the road to this woman's house.

When they got in the hallway the woman of the house said." Go through to the lounge and
make yourselves comfy and I will get the drinks"
So the women went into the lounge and were stunned at the sight and the four of them burst out
laughing.
The woman's husband was sitting in his armchair naked apart from wearing headphones and his "White Socks"
while he was watching p**n on the telly, while playing with his ...... you can imagine.
He did not hear the women behind him, due to the headphones and the volume being high.

The women came in from the kitchen to see what the laughter was about, Well you can imagine how she must have felt.

The women made their excuses and left. When the wife got home she woke me up to tell me what happened and I
could not stop laughing.
The woman who's house it was never turned up for wok on the Monday and sent in her resignation.

I have often wondered how that conversation with her husband went when the women left.

[Hell Razor5543]

Try saying this one out loud, and it will then make sense.

"I challenged Death to a pillow fight, but I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions!".

[myglaren]

[CitroJim]

Try saying this one out loud, and it will then make sense.

"I challenged Death to a pillow fight, but I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions!".

That's another cracker James

Oh yes please Steve! Can I have two? I love that variety of strawberry

Speaking of Strawberries, those alpine strawberry plants you gave me James, are growing superbly

[Hell Razor5543]

Try saying this one out loud, and it will then make sense.

"I challenged Death to a pillow fight, but I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions!".

That's another cracker James

Oh yes please Steve! Can I have two? I love that variety of strawberry

Speaking of Strawberries, those alpine strawberry plants you gave me James, are growing superbly

Great!

[Stickyfinger]

I am NOT doing Halloween this year, no sweets, no pumpkins, I am not even buying any apples

Spoiler: show

It should save me a Bob or Two

[Gibbo2286]

Just reading a post about car insurance, someone obviously made a cock up and talked about insurers refusing a claim if you hadn't told them you had 'Tinted wheels' some wag popped in and asked if they go with 'Alloy windows'.

[Stickyfinger]

[Sloppysod]

This made me chuckle, just put some southern fried chicken in the oven. When reading the cooking instructions, remember, they come in a plastic tray with a film lid.