A senior high court judge is holidaying in remote parts of Africa, he meets a chief who's interested in bringing the English court system to his country,
After chatting a while the judge leaves the chief a lot of information about the way the system works, law books and news reports on some of the cases he's taken and promises to come back in a few months to see how it's going.
On his return he's invited to sit in and watch the court in action, everything seems ok except that on several occasion a beautiful young lady dashes in goes around the court and shakes her naked breasts in front of the lawyers.
At the end the judge tells the chief that his court is fabulous but he can't understand the naked girl.
The old chief gets out a copy of a court report in the News of the World and points to "The judge made a remark to the leading barrister and a titter ran round the court."
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)
Well i've been working 12 hour shifts with a 2.5 hour drive to and from work for the last 35 days without a day off just to help Santa. Think i'll just sleep through the festivities.
A prawn and a crab start dating. They are very much in love, but the prawn knows her parents would disapprove of her boyfriend the crab. They find out about the crab, and demand to meet him. After the loving couple manage to put off the inevitable her parents issue the ultimatum that they must meet the crab, otherwise they will prevent their daughter from leaving the family home. The meeting is arranged for one evening.
The crab starts talking to a good friend. He knows his girlfriends' parents will not like him, and he wants some advise on how to win them over. His friend tells him to have a few very strong drinks before the meeting, and all will be well. The crab is not sure about this idea, but his friend says it will work.
On the evening in question there is a knock at the prawns front door. When the door is opened the crab walks straight in (and not sideways, in the normal crab gait). "There", says the girlfriend prawn, "I told you he was different to other crabs!". The crab whispers in her ear "Shut up, shilly. Can't you shee I am pished?".
James ex BX 1.9
ex Xantia 2.0HDi SX
ex Xantia 2.0HDi LX
ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
ex C5 2.0HDi VTR
ex C5 2.2HDi VTX+
Yes, I am paranoid, but am I paranoid ENOUGH?
Out amongst the stars, looking for a world of my own!
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car. He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black guy is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
"You can't say that over the radio!", replies the operator, "you have to use politically correct terminology."
"OK", he says:
"Zulu....Tango....Sierra!
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
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An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman: ''It's my (-expletive removed-) husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've (-expletive removed-) killed him!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat .............. what next?'
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I bought a new lawn for my chickens.. it was impeccable
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I was walking past my fridge last night, when I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gees song, but when I opened the door it was just the chives talking
Loved it!