Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

#169,470
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[myglaren]

In fairness, that’s not just women. Got a bloke out to fix my aircon and he asked me if I left a window open when it was on.
Of course not says I, whereupon he informs me that I should as aircons suck all the oxygen out of the room!

He was invited to leave my property forthwith!

I once convinced a qualified electrician that lightbulbs didn't emit light, instead they sucked in all the dark.

I said it was obvious, when they're done they're all full of black inside.

[Hell Razor5543]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The barman asks the priest what he wants to drink. "A glass of red wine", replies the priest. Then the barman asks the minister what he wants to drink. "A glass of whisky", replies the minister. Finally the barman asks the rabbit "What are you having to drink?". "I don't know", replies the rabbit, "I'm only here because of Autocorrect!".

[Hell Razor5543]

I have just found out that the Star Wars Character Yoda actually has a surname.

Spoiler: show

It is "Layheehoo".

[Karata]

Whoever put the letter "S" in fast food is a marketing genius.

[myglaren]

[Karata]

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

[myglaren]

[Steve Walsh]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Spoiler: show

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

[myglaren]

[Karata]

Tinder is for rookies.
I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses.
I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

[Steve Walsh]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Spoiler: show

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Karata]

My wife dresses to kill... and cooks the same way.

I got thrown out of the premature ejaculation support group. I kept coming late.

I tried drowning my troubles... but my wife won't go near the swimming pool.

A team of Canadian and Scottish researchers has released its own version of artificial intelligence. They’re calling it "Eh? Aye!"

Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful. But that's how Julius Caesar.

[myglaren]

Not actually a joke, funny nevertheless.

Six-year-old girl Helga Hiltunen from Finland wrote a letter to God before Christmas. She asked for 100 marks in the letter.

At that time, only the President of the Republic could open letters with an incorrect address in Finland.

Thus, the letter addressed to "God" was read by Urho Kaleva Kekonen, who successfully ruled the country from 1956 to 1982.

Kekonen decided to satisfy this request, but he thought that 50 marks would be enough for her. He ordered a car to be brought to him and decided to bring her money in person as well as an answer "from God".

Shortly afterwards, Helga's new letter arrived at the president's office. She wrote that the whole street was staring at Mr. President's car that stopped near her house. In the continuation of the letter, the girl asked "God" never to send money through the president again, because he stole exactly half of it!

In the photo, the girl Helga Hiltunen.