Joke I found funny...

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crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

I thought a vasectomy would stop my wife getting pregnant, but apparently it only changes the colour of the baby.

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Why is abbreviation such a long word?

crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Dyslexic are they taking the p**s.

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Overheard..

Post by doctle »

In a Dublin newsagents..

Mam can I get this book?

Shurrup you have a book

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Stickyfinger
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Re: Overheard..

Post by Stickyfinger »

overheard in Uk newsagents

Mum, what is a book ?
Dunno and lend me some of that Vape juice

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Тhreesome

Post by Karata »

My missus asked me, if she was ever to let me have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to give her one name, not two.

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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Seeing a comment in Marc's rant reminded me of a joke.

There is a light aeroplane flying high over the Alps, with the pilot, an Irish "Brain of Britain" winner, a Scottish mountaineer, and an elderly English lady. Before they had taken off the pilot had told them that, due to a clerical error, they only had three parachutes on the aeroplane ("So I hope we don't have any problems!" he joked). Unfortunately it appears that Fate was listening at the time as, over a particularly remote section, the engine fails and the pilot loses control. He grabs a parachute and throws himself out of the aeroplane, followed immediately by the Irishman. The Scot and the English lady then start having an argument as to WHO should get the remaining parachute, along the lines that the Scot probably could survive the crash as he was younger and fitter, while the English lady said that, as she had had a long and enjoyable life, the Scot should take the parachute as he had more to live for. Then the Scot notices something;

"It is OK", he says, "we can both have a parachute. The Irishman grabbed my rucksack!".

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

In turn that reminds me of the story concerning two Belfast chaps flying to New York back in the 70's on a Boeing 707:

20 minutes after takeoff there is a flash and a bang from the right side of the plane. A minute or two later the captain comes over the intercom:

"As you may have noticed we had a problem with our outer starboard engine but don't be alarmed, we have shut it down and will still arrive safely in New York but the loss will mean we will be an hour late."

An hour after that there is another bang from the left side followed by the announcement:

"As you may have noticed we had a problem with our outer port engine but don't be alarmed, we have shut it down and will still arrive safely in New York but the loss will mean we will now be three hours late".

Another two hours pass and then a flash and crash from the right side:

"As you may have noticed we had a problem with our inner starboard engine but don't be alarmed, we have shut it down and will still arrive safely in New York but the loss will mean unfortunately we will now be five hours late!"

Patrick turned to Michael and said "I hope the last engine doesn't fail or we'll be up here all night!!"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Two rabbits escape from a research laboratory. They make it into the countryside, where they encounter some wild rabbits, who show them where the warren is, where the good food is, what to avoid, and introduce them to the female rabbits. All appears well until the older of the two rabbits says "I have got to go back to the laboratory". "What?", exclaims the younger of the two, "Why? We have everything we need here. We have shelter, female rabbits, good food, female rabbits, our freedom, and did I mention the female rabbits? We have everything we need right here!". "Not everything" says the older rabbit. "What more do we need?" asks the younger rabbit. The older rabbit responds "I am dying for a cigarette!".

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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

I have heard a story about the first time an Irish airline flew an aeroplane to the USA (New York). All was going well on the flight, and they were (when they got close enough) handed over to the air traffic controllers of the airport they were due to land at. The crew received all the information they needed, including the runway (37W). The crew made their pre-landing preparations, and as they got their first sighting of the runway the captain and first office exchanged worried looks.

"That is a VERY short runway", said the captain. "I know", replied his first officer, "but it is the one we have been assigned". I am not certain we can make that landing", mused the captain. "It will be a heroic effort", the first officer commented, "but with Divine intervention it may be possible". "Ah, good idea", smiled the captain. He then got onto the aeroplane tannoy system and said "Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be landing shortly at our destination. The runway is a bit shorter than we were led to believe, and we think we will need to extra help. If you can start praying to any Gods you may believe in, maybe they will lend us a helping hand". The sound of fervent praying can then be heard coming from the passenger cabin.

The captain and first office perform a miracle of a short landing. The aeroplane comes over the threshold at almost stalling speed, the captain applies full reverse thrust, the aeroplane thumps down onto the runway, and the first officer applies full braking while the captain controls the steering. They pull up just short of the other end of the runway. The captain and his first officer turn to each other and shake each others' hands; they know just how difficult that landing was. The first officer said "This is the SHORTEST runway I have EVER landed at. I cannot understand how it was deemed suitable for this class of aeroplane". "I agree", said the captain, "but", looking out of each side window in turn, "it has also got to be the WIDEST runway I have landed on!".

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

There were two parrotts sitting on a perch. The first turned to the other and said "Can you smell fish?"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

This is NOT a joke, but something that is actually supposed to have happened.

An airliner made a particularly heavy landing. Normally, after a landing, the captain of the aeroplane would shake the hands of the passengers as they disembarked, but on this occasion he was too embarrassed, so the first officer performed this duty (also looking somewhat embarrassed), and the passengers were a bit acerbic. However, one of the last passengers to get off was a little old lady, and as she shook hands with the first officer she enquired "Tell me, young man, did we actually land or were we shot down?".

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Peter.N. »

Woman gets arrested for stealing a tin of pears from a supermarket.

Judge asked why she stole them, she said she was hungry.

Before he sentenced her he asked "How many pears were in the tin"

She said "Six your honour"

The Judge said "In that case I sentence you to six days detention........."

Before he could finish her husband jumped up and said "Excuse me sir, she stole a tin of peas as well"

Peter