Joke I found funny...

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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

No comment, and the statute of limitations ran out decades ago.

Terry Pratchett, 'Soul Music';

"Crash hefted his guitar and played a chord.
‘My word!’ said Ridcully.
‘Sir?’
‘That sounded exactly like a cat trying to go to the lavatory through a sewn-up bum.'"

crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

bobins wrote:
18 Jul 2019, 22:10
Hell Razor5543 wrote:
18 Jul 2019, 22:01
However, I will admit the cacophony produced from a badly played set of bagpipes sounds not dissimilar to the noise produced by a cat straining to evacuate its bowels through a sewn up anus!


I have to ask : how do you know ? :shock:



Because he witnessed it on sauchiehall street in glasgow. That cat made more money that the bagpipe player a few streets down. BTW I do like the bagpipes when played well.

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Donald Trump met with the Queen and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me. Ma'am."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. " Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Sarah Palin!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A conspiracy theory that occasionally pops up is that all of the conspiracy theorists are employed (by an ultra secret organisation that 'does not exist') to come up with wild (but believable) conspiracy theories to distract the serving classes from what is actually happening in the world. This organisation believes that, should the serving classes actually find out what really is happening, get themselves organised and take control, they would no longer be living 'The Life of Riley', and the world would be a much worse place.

To give you an idea about the arrogance of this organisation; they consider people like The Dali Lama, Her Majesty The Queen and Pope Francis to be part of the serving classes

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A light aircraft has crashed into a cemetery just outside Washington DC. Donald J Trump has declared it a major incident, as he has been informed the emergency services have found hundreds of bodies.

MikeT
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by MikeT »

Hell Razor5543 wrote:
02 Aug 2019, 13:07
A light aircraft has crashed into a cemetery just outside Washington DC. Donald J Trump has declared it a major incident, as he has been informed the emergency services have found hundreds of bodies.
at_first_i_was_like_obama.5phf1eu9ea4o8s40wscw4g0k8.ck2u8j60r5wgkwck84o4ws84k.th.jpeg

Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

The old ones keep coming, I heard that thirty years ago but it was an Irish cemetery in those days. :(

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Just found this on another forum I'm a member of:

Why are women like clouds?

Because it’s a really nice day when they bugger off.

Not sure I agree but it made me smile!!

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because men keep telling them that this [<-------------------->] is six inches!

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

One time, a man was laying on his operating bed, preparing for surgery. He looked at the doctor next to him and asked,

“Sir, may I have the anaesthesia for a moment?”

The doctor turns to him and says,

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

An old guy in his eighties sitting alone at the bar, a woman of similar age sidles up to him and says "Shall we sneak of somewhere and make mad passionate love?"

"Sure" says the guy "but I'll have to pop in the chemist for a condom."

The old girl says "What the hell do you need a condom for at your age?"

The old boy replies "At my age missus I can't afford to get anything wet."

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Two female whales were swimming around in the ocean when they spotted a couple of trawlers steaming towards them. "Oh look, we can have some fun and dinner at the same time" cried the first whale. "I don't know what you mean!" came the reply. "Well I'll go first, you can watch and then have your turn". So the first whale swam over to the first trawler took a huge breath and dived right under the keel. Then she blew with all her might and lifted the boat right up, tipping all the crew into the water. Then she opened her mouth and swam in a huge circle devouring every sailor and then she swam back to her friend. "Now its your turn, off you go". So the second whale swam over to the second boat, took a huge breath and dived under the keel. Again the trawler was thrown into the air ejecting everyone into the water. She looked around for a moment and then turned and swam back to her mate.
"What's the matter?" asked number one, "you've only had half the fun!"
"Well," she replied "I love the blow job but I can't stand swallowing seamen!"

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

TOOL GUIDE:-

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.

ANGLE GRINDER: When used to just take off that tiny burr – effectively turns a perfectly painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade sandpaper. If a wire wheel is attached, can also be used by the more extreme body mutilation aficionados and, for riot control; those sharp little wires shoot off in every direction and at amazing speed.

HACKSAW: Invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate. Used for recycling excess floorboards.

BALL-PEEN HAMMER: Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ball-peen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centre-punch.

BATTERY HYDROMETER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

BRAKE PIPE FLARING TOOL: A device for increasing the diameter of the ends of brake pipes, which is so stupid, that it doesn't know that when the pipe fits perfectly, one of the unions has either been left off or put on backwards.

CIRCLIP PLIERS: Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Work better if you snap off those silly little nibs that fit circlips.

CROWBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise, however used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Also used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

LEAD LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin" which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

MOLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out from underneath a car at the speed of light, when the white hot blob of braze won't take on the exhaust silencer you were hoping might last another week or two, and eventually falls on your chest.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

SCREWDRIVER: Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.

SILVER SOLDER: Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its main intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two
snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on cockroaches.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made
leather goods.

STAPLING GUN: Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are not made in that size.

SU ADJUSTING SPANNER: Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of your engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise. If you don't want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see under two-ton hydraulic engine hoist.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TIN SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and other lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.

WHITWORTH SPANNERS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch...." See also angle grinder.

CHEMICAL SECTION:-

CAUSTIC SODA, FOLLOWED BY NITRIC ACID: Used for dissolving gummy deposits on SU fuel pump filters, then dissolving the filter.

GUNK: Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating fipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

IMPACT ADHESIVE: Used for removing the slots between your fingers.

LACQUER THINNER: Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money.
Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

MINERAL SPIRITS: Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx. one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.

SILICON WAX: Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.

PRE-PAINT CELLULOSE THINNERS: Used to ensure that any silicon wax present is distributed more evenly over the surface to be painted.

WD40: Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice.

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

A few one liners:

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Centre you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

:-D :-D :-D

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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
Spoiler: show
Dewthinkesaurus!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Spoiler: show
Eenevahsaurus!
What do you call a blind dinosaur that is chasing you?
Spoiler: show
Eebludiherdus!
I might admit (under pressure) to making the last one up.