Joke I found funny...

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I walked into a bar this morning, ............two black eyes and a headache!!
Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

Another borrowed from the Brum site.

"Daddy, why does your old car say 2.4 on the back?"
"Well son, it's.. err.. it means 2.4 volts."
"Daddy, why does it have two pipes poking out the back?"
"Ah, yes, that's where the air comes out that came in through the radiator in the front!"
"Daddy.."
"Don't you have homework to do?"
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Chip-Trix
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Chip-Trix »

An old, blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he shouts to the bartender: 'Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls completely still. With a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:
Before you tell the joke, I think it's only fair, since you're blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. Bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I am a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady on the right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Think about it, will you still tell the blonde joke?
The blind Marine thinks for a moment, shakes his head, ' No... Not if I have to explain it five times.
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

:rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2:

Reminds me of the time Sharon and Tracy, both members of the blonde fraternity, went on holiday together to Jamaica. They boarded the 747 at Heathrow and took off heading for Kingston. After an hour or so they heard a loud bang from the left side of the airplane which rocked a bit and then settled down. A couple of moments later the intercom burst into life:
"This is your Captain speaking. As some of you may have heard our outer port engine has failed and we had to shut it down. This does not affect our ability to fly but I'm afraid it will mean we'll be an hour late arriving in Kingston"
Sharon and Tracy exchanged tuts and carried on watching the movie.
Another hour went by and then there was a loud whistling from the right side of the airplane. Moments later the intercom burst into life again:
"This is your Captain speaking. As some of you may have heard our outer starboard engine has failed and we had to shut it down. This does not affect our ability to fly but I'm afraid it will mean we'll be three hours late arriving in Kingston"
Sharon and Tracy exchanged sighs and carried on watching the movie.
A further hour passed by and then there was a loud crash from the left side of the airplane. Moments later the intercom burst into life again:
"This is your Captain speaking. As some of you may have heard our inner port engine has failed and we had to shut it down. This does not affect our ability to fly but I'm afraid it will mean we'll be six hours late arriving in Kingston"
Sharon turned to Tracy and exclaimed
Spoiler: show
" I hope the other starboard engine doesn't stop or we'll be up here all night!!
Steve Walsh
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is gone. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
She reluctantly agrees. He squeezes her breasts for about ten minutes and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
Spoiler: show
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
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Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Pug_XUD_KeenAmateur »

Haven't stopped here for ages, good to see all's well.

Came over to see if I could find out a tip or two prior to replacing pump top seals on one of my spare XUD101 Lucas CAV Rotodiesels (mission accomplished, thanks). Either got very intermittent air getting into the system or Pump issues (probably former), so gonna refurb one of the old uns in case.

Over 10years now with the 405, and the last couple have been a wealth of bother, but I always get there and it never costs me much (long as you don't count the time invested).

Joke
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Do you want me to...

Post by Karata »

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"
"Ma'm, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

My very generous neighbour gave me a new car for my wife.
Spoiler: show
Best swap I've ever done!!
Steve Walsh
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father,
Spoiler: show
I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Mr. Jones goes to see the doctor. "Doctor", he says, "you have got to lower my sex drive. Every time I see a woman I get aroused. It is really awkward". The doctor responds "Mr. Jones, you are 97 years old! It is all in your head." "I know", says Mr. Jones, "which is why you have to lower my sex drive by about a meter!".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

Spoiler: show
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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